How To Give A Wedding Speech That Doesn't Suck!

If you want to give an amazing father of the bride speech, best man speech or maid of honor wedding speech, listen to this episode of the Bustld Wedding Podcast featuring wedding speech expert and Emmy-winning comedy writer, Beth Sherman.

PODCAST TRANSCRIPT:

Hey, I'm Ryan and I'm Samie, and we're the co co-founders of Bustld, and the hosts of 'Every Day I'm Bustlin.' As a tech guru, I'm mostly here to ask the wedding planning questions you want answers to. And with more than seven years of experience planning weddings, I'm here to answer them. Join us every Tuesday for wedding planning tips and tricks to help you along the way. Each week we'll focus on a specific planning topic and sometimes even have guest appearances to help bring you even more insider tips. We're here to help you plan like a pro.

Now for this week's episode. Wedding toasts --you either love them or hate them. With a little bit of planning though, wedding tests can truly be the highlight of the evening, serving as both a sentimental and funny moment. Today we're joined by Beth Sherman who's going to give us all the insider tips on how to create a wedding toast that well -- doesn't suck. Beth is a comedian and an Emmy award-winning comedy writer with credits that include the Late Show, Ellen and the Academy Awards . She's also the founder of Authentically Funny Speeches where she's ghostwritten and added comedy to more than 300 wedding speeches. Beth, thank you so much for joining us today.

Oh, it's my pleasure to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah, we're so excited. I feel like this is such a great topic. But before we dive in and give our readers all the tips tell them a little bit about you and your background.

Well, I am a professional comedy writer. So that's the day job. I've been doing that early on 25 years mostly in late night, Letterman, Leno. I was at Ellen for a few years, and I've written for lots of award shows; the Screen Actors Guild Awards, the Oscars a couple of times, the MTV -- or is it VH-1 -- one of those, you know, one of the things the kids watch. The rock and roll. So that's my day job and a comedian also for a long time. And then about five years ago anticipating a move out of Los Angeles, I started writing -- I'd always been asked to help with wedding speeches, friends and things like that. And I started offering my services a little more broadly. And now five years later, I've written over 300 wedding speeches for every member of the wedding. And I still have the TV day job, but this is catching up quickly. And I love it. I feel like I'm using my powers for good -- finally!

That's so cool. So I got to know, like how do you write a wedding toast for somebody like you don't know? In those situations, so I talk to the person briefly and then I send a whole bunch of questions to them. So, basically I kind of interview them on paper. And then what they send to me, it becomes the raw material for the speech. My job is then to take this raw material and give it a shape. Give it a beginning, a middle and an end. And even if you write your own speech, please let it have a beginning, a middle and an end. And at least an end. Yeah, please an end! (LAUGHS) And so I give it a beginning, middle end, and then I add all the connective tissue and the transitions.

And anywhere I see potential for humor, actual humor or potential for humor, dial that up as much as possible. And then I send that draft to the client and they give me notes and we go back and forth fine-tuning it until they say it's finished. I always compare it to having a custom suit made. Or probably a wedding dress. There's lots and lots of measuring at the beginning. But then if I do my job well, then it's a couple of fittings. It's little small things to really put it completely into their voice because also I have a particular rhythm of speaking. I'm from a particular place. I'm a particular age. So that doesn't necessarily translate, so people can well, together we can collaborate and really, really make it sound like Samie.

That is the coolest thing ever. Like everyone listening like needs to do this because we may have done an episode where I said how I feel typically about toast -- and I may have listened to it. So I think everyone needs to take this advice and yeah, just just have somebody write your toast for you. That would be great. But now let's say, okay, so nobody wants to give a cringy toast. Let's let's just admit that. But sometimes sometimes it does happen. I think probably the key is preparation.

So how do you suggest couples communicate their expectations for the toast to their toasters? You know, so that it doesn't become one of those bad toast moments. Toasters, I love that. Hello toasters. Well, it does start from the beginning because that seems to be when people go into panic mode. But just a clear -- giving them a clear expectation, and phrasing it, I think not, "You got to give a toast!" At least phrasing it as, "Would you be comfortable giving a toast?" Even if you really want them to do it, at least give the illusion of this person having a choice, especially if they're a nervous speaker. So "Would you be comfortable giving a toast?" And just don't make them feel on the spot in the moment because it may take them a minute to get their head around it.

I mean, they may be the best man or the father, your dad or your maid of honor, but if you just give them a second to feel like they have some control because people who don't like public speaking panic. Yeah, so phrasing it more as an invitation than a demand and then giving them say, you know, maybe three to five minutes, giving them a clear suggestion for time because otherwise that's when you get people who show up with, "Well, I cut it down to 45 minutes. There's a short intermission. And then I talk about the, you know, then I continue with the Cabo that we did sophomore year." So if you, but if you just tell them before they start, then there at least there's a number in their head and they have a sense of, "Okay, this doesn't have to be my dissertation." It seems doable also and given them a little bit of notice, I mean, usually people seem to find out around the time the engagement happens, but if you're not sure if you want speeches at your wedding or something like that, still, you know, give them as much notice as the caterer has. (LAUGHS) You know? Right. You've got a lot of vendors. So there's a lot of, you're making a lot of decisions. If you want the toast to go well, prioritize that communication.

I love that. So you mentioned a little bit about length, like personally, you know, just I don't know if that's a good -- I think like short toast are tend to be better. I've certainly seen, you know, all variations of length. How do you like, what do you think makes a good toast? And then more importantly, like, I feel like people talk really fast. So when they get nervous, right. So if they think it's going to be a minute and then instead being 30 seconds, like is there a word count people should be aiming for? Well, look, if it if you get everything in the goal is sort of say everything you want to say make a toast and leave. And sometimes depending on how much, how well you know this person, there, you know, it can accordion a little bit. And also if you have a speech that is genuinely funny and people are laughing, there is going to be a spread for laughs.That's usually not a problem because if people are laughing, then they are having fun.

I always suggest that people aim for five minutes when they sit down to start creating the speech, aim for five minutes in the sense of that's kind of a good target. Five minutes is about 750 words because people speak about 150 words a minute. And I mean, some people speak very quickly some people speak very slowly but ballpark. And that's about 750 words will look, it's about a page and a half double-spaced, sort of normal typeface, whatever, 12 point. So if you're just, you know, between one and two pages. When I talk to people about that, they go, "Oh!!!" Because they're just picturing it's going to have to be eight pages, it's going to have to be gigantic. It's like a page and a half. You can say everything you want to say. You can say it well. And if you aim for five minutes and you find you have a little bit more than your spread, it kind of goes up to six or seven minutes, which isn't crazy. And if it ends up being two or three minutes and you've said everything you want to say, then that's great. No, no one's going to say, "Wow, I guess she -- it was only three and a half minutes. I guess she doesn't really like Susan that much. I mean, they've been friends since they were 12, but I mean, couldn't spare the extra 90 seconds?" There's no one with a stopwatch. People just want to enjoy it.

Right. I agree. So unless it starts getting over 10 minutes, then we have a stopwatch.Yeah. So that's when you tackle them. That's right. That's right. It's time to get on the dance floor. Okay. So let's say someone has asked you to give a speech at a wedding. You've agreed. Like now what? Like how do they prep for this moment in the spotlight that's going to, you know, be all eyes on them? Well. So in the structure of the speech, I and again, there's these things are not carved into stone.

But I generally break speeches down into six parts. I call them the six essential parts of a wedding speech. So you've got the introduction, which is who you are and why you're there. And you can add a joke to it or how you're feeling. So "Hey, I'm Beth. I'm the big sister of the bride. You know, the better-looking big sister, the more modest big sister, the much, much, much older sister." Something or if you're really nervous, that's a place to say, you know, "I'm Beth, I'm the big sister of the bride. And if you've met me, you know, I don't enjoy speaking in public, but this is an opportunity I couldn't pass up." I mean, that's so -- don't just say, "I'm Beth on the sister of the bride. And now I'm going to say the next thing." Give people a little something.

So introduction, then your thanks and acknowledgements. Thank anyone that needs thanking. If you are a maid of honor or the best man, thank your hosts. If you're the father of the bride, thank the guests for coming. If you're the bride and groom, thank the guests for coming. And the acknowledgements would be usually it's absent friends and family or anyone who couldn't be there. And especially if you've got something sad or a sad absence that you need to acknowledge, it can be good to do it up top there, because then you've kind of covered it. And you can use the momentum, the momentum you build for the rest of the speech can all be happy. So it's nice to get that out of the way with the business.

I like that. And then yeah. So when it is something sad, do you suggest that people do address it in a toast or like what is the best way to go about that? I mean, sometimes, you know, there are sad situations when you come so wedding. So how deep do you suggest people go on something like that? Well, I always, I sort of go by the rule of the elephant in the room. If it's something that is is would be weird to not acknowledge. I've had clients where dad not only did dad pass away, so he's not there. He's passed away within a few months. Or mom has and things like that. So it's, it, those are big elephants in the room. Oftentimes grandparents aren't there. And that's something that can be a little bit sad, but also bittersweet. You can sort of have a nice moment because it's sad that grandma and grandma aren't here, but they would be 140. So it's, we sort of understand why they wouldn't be there.

But I, yeah, getting it mentioned up top because you can also, that's also a moment where you have to acknowledge, you know, "Of course we would all love to see Dad. We, it's so -- we wish that Dad could be here to share this day. But I think we all know he's looking down and..." then put a joke in and, and by the joke, I mean, put some truth in. "He's looking down saying, "What you didn't get the big seafood tower? What, you're trying to starve these people to death?"

Like, make it that he's looking down and saying something that he would say. He's got a phrase or there was something he loved or maybe you're getting married on a Sunday and he was a huge football fan. And so, you know, "It's such a shame he can't be here. I mean, even if he was alive, he wouldn't be here because the Eagles are playing," you know, something that it, what would just it that is diffuse that emotional tension with some truth, funny truth goes a long way.

Yeah, I love that. So, speaking of being funny, I think people want to be funny, of course, in a speech. Sometimes that can be very funny. Sometimes that can go horribly wrong, right? What are your thoughts on how to how to incorporate this and go about it the right way, you know, without using, you know, something that no one is going to think is funny besides, you know, maybe the two of you.

Well, yeah, those are two issues. One is if it's not funny to everyone, in my opinion, if it's not funny to everyone, it's not funny. And keep in mind, we're talking about a wedding speech. We're not talking about stand up or something where people have paid money, you know, and want these jokes. So, right. That's the first thing.

And then also make sure everyone can follow along. So don't have it be all inside jokes, not just because it's a little bit selfish, but it's much more fun to have 200 people laughing than it is to have four people laughing. So you're going to get them a have a much better experience with the speech. Because also once people kind of stop listening to you, they don't come back. And that's when you start to hear the room just kind of the background noise start to rise, because people just kind of check out. They're looking at you, but they're really not listening to what you're saying. And you could have the best speech in the world and they're not listening. And also it doesn't it really often doesn't take much. I mean, if I said, "Oh yeah. When I'm in college, Lexa and I, we were always at the gazoo and we were doing this and that. Or I could just say "...the gazoo, which is what we called our student union, the George Sherman student union." You know, just give us give a couple of words of explanation.

It doesn't mean you don't have to mention something. It just means. Would a plus-one understand it? If a plus -one would need a little bit of explanation, give it a little bit of explanation.

I like that that's a good that's a good rule. I like that rule a lot. And I think it's I think that's a really good point too. Just make sure that it is going to be funny to that plus-one, because sometimes I think people think they're being funny and I can feel a little a little forced. So I Iove that.

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So what about the newlyweds? I've seen a lot more of this where the two of them decide to say something or maybe even get too nervous and decide not to say something. I know personally like my husband decided not to say anything at our wedding and he like still 10 years later like regrets not saying anything because he was like, "Why did I not do this?" You know? But like what are some practical tips to make sure couples if they want to say something feel comfortable and most importantly know what to say?

You can write them down. It's totally fine. You don't have to memorize these speeches. Any of the speeches, I always recommend print them out and read them over and over again at home out loud to get your your brain and your mouth coordinated and get that muscle memory so that you can look up and so you have it sort of half memorized. But prepare. I couldn't go up and give a speech with just -- "You, go! Give a speech!" I mean, I guess I could give an okay toast but it wouldn't be the same thing as if it wouldn't be as good as if I planned it.

So, I think couples sit down, think about who you'd like to thank because you want to thank everybody for coming. They've made this effort and the day, literally would not be the same if they were not there. Acknowledge anyone who's made who's come a particularly long way to be there.

Thank your folks, you know, thank your parents for raising you, if you -- I guess -- have a good relationship with them. Or if you have a bumpy relationship with them, sort of take a step back and think, "You know, if I say something nice now... I mean, have they been making an effort? Have they been doing their best, even if that's not great?" This can be a good time to publicly say thank you and to let them feel appreciated, because when people feel appreciated -- because sometimes people are just jerks because they don't feel appreciated. Right. So, it costs you nothing. Yeah. And it also looks weird if you don't thank your parents, even if you have a complicated relationship.

True.

Say something nice to your siblings, and when you're saying when you're saying these nice things also say them directly to these people. I mean you're speaking to the room, but when you're actually thanking these people individually, turn to them. Have a moment. Make eye contact. One, because it's just it's everything's going to land better and you're going to get more out of it and they are. Also, that's a great photo of the two of you really looking at each other and having this moment, with your eyes locked. So, thank them.

So thank anyone that needs to be thanked, the people on that sort of list and then I like to hold the best for last and thank your new spouse last. And it's not necessarily a thank you, but you can say, "You know, I'm so glad you came into my life."

And maybe you can do an abbreviated version of how you met or how you felt when you met. If someone has not told that story earlier in the evening. You can give them -- have a moment speaking directly to your partner, and tell them what they mean to you. Because, maybe you did it in your vows, but that was probably in a bit more formal way. If you did custom vows it was probably a little more formal, and this is your moment to sort of say, "You know I think the moment I fell in love with you was when..." And it can be a silly answer. Sometimes it's a small moment. You know, or "In our vows, I said that I fell in love with you at this moment and and maybe that...But every day when you do this and when you do that and when you do the other thing, I fall in love with you all over again."

So it's a moment to really show the people who are there how you feel about this person and to sort of make them feel good about the union and to them make them understand why you two have made these choices. Because a lot of times, they're meeting -- a lot of times, a lot of your guests are meeting the new spouse for the first time, so you want them to see the spouse the way you see your spouse. If that makes sense.

Yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're making me a believer in these toasts! I'm sorry. You just got all these simple steps. So we talked a little bit about like what to say. I know you come from a performance background so like how do you actually -- and even just touched on a little bit -- you know, making eye contact and things like that. So what are your tips for how to actually execute the toast. You know, do you use a mic? Where do you stand. What are things that you know the couple or the you know loved ones or even planner or photographer can kind of take away as like, "These are things we should consider during toast."

Well, the most important thing is make sure people can hear you. I think we've all been to weddings where the speeches start to happen and it sounds like maybe they're happening in another room. Or they're being delivered by whoever makes the announcements for the New York City subway system. So. First of all, pay attention to anyone who's given a speech before you. I mean, take a look at the situation and sort of try to figure out where you're going to be giving the toast and talk to the planner or whoever's managing the situation about okay, where am I going to be?

And I think as performer, as a comedian, you walk into the comedy club and on the -- usually it's on the in the green room or even on the inside of kind of the front door, there's a list of this is the lineup for tonight. So it could be eight o'clock, but they've got every five minute, ten minute slot, and the list of who's going when for the entire evening. So you can walk in. You can see oh okay, I'm after this person and before this person. So talk to the wedding planner or the catering manager, whoever's kind of -- or the DJ -- whoever's running things and try to find out when you're going and try to do that as early as possible. So you're not you don't all of a sudden have 30 seconds to pee, read through your notes, get a drink to toast with. So do that so you can take a breath.

When you're actually up there, make sure you can be heard. If you're talking and the mic isn't good, ask someone to raise the volume if there's someone there to do that, or move the mic away from your face because sometimes you know this is sometimes the wedding's in a barn and it's kind of a do-it-yourself sort of thing and the sound system is a microphone and you know your cousin's iPhone and an amp.

Yeah.

If the mic is terrible move the mic away and just shout it. "Can everybody hear me? Is it easier if I do it like this without the mic? Is it better without the mic?" If you ask, "Can everybody hear me," people will answer you because they want to hear the speech, especially the old aunts. They'll definitely answer you. They'll heckle.

I love it.

Make sure to sort of tell your speech like a story and bring everybody along for the ride. So if you're talking about -- if you mention -- "And we went to college with Sarah and Alex and Jen," try to gesture towards Sarah and Alex and Jen, because they're probably all sitting together. I mean sort of gesture towards them. So I'm sitting there. I don't know anybody who's involved and if maybe then I'm looking around trying to figure out well who are they? Where are they? Where are they sitting? Are those are they the girls over there? Are they the loud ones over there? I don't know.

Because I'm thinking that, I'm not listening. I'm trying to figure it out. Or you get the old aunts going, (SHOUTING) "Which one is she?" (SAMIE LAUGHS) So, especially if it's a story of you know, "...and then my my mentor. I would like to thank -- my boss is here today. He's my mentor. He taught me everything I know..." and you will hear the aunts going ,"Which one? Who is it? Where is he?" (SAMIE LAUGHS) But if you're pointing to him and gesturing to this person clearly. No one has to wonder. "Dave, stand up. Wave to everyone." (SAMIE LAUGHS) Yeah. Yeah.

It helps people not be distracted because when they're distracted, they distract other people but they, they stop listening. You don't want to lose people. You want to do everything you can to have everybody along with you for the whole ride. And then also, you can kind of toggle between speaking to the room as a whole, and speaking to people individually. And the room will get it. It's not like you have to just sort of have a quiet side conversation with people, but you can say, "You know, Samie, thank you so much for being my maid of honor. I don't know how I would have gotten here..." Instead of saying, "Samie is a great maid of honor and she went out of her way to do the..." You know, really make it just make it personal and conversational and make it a moment between the two of you. And you know, I think that's a great thing for people to know that they have like permission to talk to like one person kind of you know like as as needed.

Because I think sometimes people are like, "Oh, how do I handle this, you know, situation." So I think that's a great tip for people as they're preparing their toast.

Yeah. And sometimes that's not something you'll know until you're revising your speech. So write the speech. Write it. And then start editing it down because you can't edit what doesn't exist. So put everything in there and start start shaving it down and shaving it down. And that's where you'll start to see, "Oh, I guess this should be directed directly to her. This should be to the room." It'll start making a little bit more sense.

Yeah, sometimes just getting something on paper feels like a huge one. So I think that's a really good piece of advice too.

And speaking of on paper, I was going to give you the six parts and I think I only got to two of them. Oooh, let's do it. (LAUGHS) Because there's someone there is taking notes going, "I only have two out of six! What is the rest?!" All right, so give us the rest of those parts.

So I call them the six essential parts of a wedding speech. You've got your introduction, which is where you explain who you are. Well, literally who you are and why you're there. And then also give the audience a little piece of information, maybe it's how you're feeling or where you are in the birth order, the big sister, the little sister, you can kind of attach a little bit of a joke with it or a little bit of honesty, a little bit of honest, funny truth.

Then you've got your thanks and your acknowledgements and it's depending on who you are will depend who you thank. If you're the bride or the groom, you're going to thank the guests for coming. If you're the maid of honor or best man, you're going to thank your hosts who are the parents, usually.

And the acknowledgements. You can acknowledge anyone who's not there, or anyone who's gone above and beyond to be there or to help make the day happen or any absent friends and family, because getting the sad stuff taken care of up front means you don't have to address it later.

Part three, it's your half of the couple and why they're great and what works really well in speeches like this are firsts. So the first time you met, you know, some firsts that happened together, what your first impressions were when you met whether or not they were they were accurate. So firsts.

Then part four is the other half of the couple and why they're great. And even if you don't think this person is great, you have to find something nice to say about them. It doesn't have to be a lot but you have to say something. Or even if you don't know the --only nice things right? Only nice things. Well, a lot of times because maids of honor, "I don't know this guy, I haven't seen her since college, I barely know her, I don't know this guy." You just have to say something. "I can tell from the way that Sarah talks about you that you know you're a lovely guy," you know, whatever it is you can put it the words in -- you can talk about your experience of this person through your half of the couple.

Part five is why these two halves of the couple are great together, and what you see for them for the future. What you hope for them for the future, and then wrap it up with a great 'big raise your glass' toast. A literal, "Would everyone please raise their glass join me in a toast." So it's if you say that then everybody does it and that saves -- well a lot of people just forget to do the toast altogether. But if you say -- ask people to raise their glass then it's not, "Oh geez! Oh we're at the toast! Oh this is... What's happening?" So it just saves that kind of frantic reach for something.

End it on the toast and then that's it. You can't follow the toast that's your big closer. It's, "Good night, everybody." Once you've done that you got to go. And I always recommend go just go right to the couple, right over to the couple. Give them a hug and a kiss and keep in mind that if you've got a good photographer someone's trying to get a photo of that moment. So when you do that, just have an awareness and try to make sure that photo happens, or that you're giving the photographer a little bit more than just your back.

And I did talk to a wedding planner who said "Yeah and I always run in and get the mic from them," because she's had some hot mic moments where people go in -- they hold on to the mic -- they go in for the hug, and when their arm is wrapped around someone else like, "Did you see how drunk Uncle Dave is?" "Thanks for not talking about the herpes." (SAMIE LAUGHS) That's a really good tip actually. (LAUGHS) Isn't it?! Yeah, you don't want that hot mic. You don't want a hot mic.

I do have some strong opinions on where to place people. This is just for the videographers out there, or a wedding planners. And I'm sure you know this and I'm sure you do this but someone suggested -- it made so much sense-- is to have if you can avoid it. Don't just hand someone a mic. Have it have the mic in a stand because it means they're going to stand in that spot. If you give someone a mic suddenly they become a lounge singer working the room, which is nice for the room but not good for your photos and not good for the videographer who's got his camera on on sticks, who's got his camera on a tripod in a lockdown shot and you're just walking in and out of it. And it makes a very poor video when you go, "I hear him talking, but he's not in the shot anymore."

(SAMIE LAUGHS) I love it.

And also try to try to put the speaker -- try to put the speaker up a little bit or up where everyone can see their face. I was at a wedding and there was a little bit of a stage because there was an MC on it and a couple of musicians. But they had sort of -- there were big round tables that were all arranged in a circle or kind of a semicircle. And they had people just standing in the middle of that, which I guess on paper, when there was no one sitting at the tables that seemed like a great idea but i'm sitting at a table kind of on the edge, and I can't see because the person's head is just sort of blocked by everybody else's head. I mean, so it really takes a lot away from the speech when you can't see someone's face. I want to see Dad's face when he's talking about his daughter. For sure. For sure. It sounds like a small thing but put him up on this stage, please. Let's see Dad. We all want to see Dad.

Yeah, for sure. I love it. So these have been amazing tips. Before we close out I want to know like are there trends when it comes to what to wedding toast and if so what are you seeing people do as we head into you know this wedding season and next year?

I don't know if I'd call it a trend but I'm definitely seeing more women speaking at weddings, more brides and grooms speaking, more brides speaking even if the groom doesn't want to. I write a lot of speeches for people in the UK and Australia and the groom's speech is the tradition. The groom always makes a speech and now in those countries, I'm definitely seeing the bride also make a speech.

And I'm seeing a lot more moms making speeches with dad or on their own. It seems like they should get if not equal time, I mean they've they've had -- they've generally had a hand in it. It's not -- I mean the father the bride speech is the tradition but it's also nice to hear from Mom in addition to Dad, either as part of his speech, or on her own.

Yeah, I also would agree that I've seen a lot of moms talking and I love it. I think it's great. Moms have a lot to say. They've got to say and like they don't they don't always get as much spotlight as Dad on the wedding day, but they've certainly probably contributed to the planning just as much.

Exactly.

Awesome, well this has been great. These tips have been amazing. Tell all our listeners where they can find you. Where they can get in touch with you if they want someone to write their their speech for them.

It's Authentically Funny Speeches dot com. It's also Authentically Funny Speeches on YouTube. I've got a bunch of videos that explain all of this stuff on YouTube.

Authentically Funny Speeches also on Instagram and Pinterest, but really YouTube or the website are the best places.

And I write speeches for people, but I also have services where I can just do a video review of it. You send me the speech and I record a video and give you 20, 30 minutes of feedback, so that the first time you get feedback is not in front of the audience on the day. So there's all sorts of ways I can help.

Amazing. Well, thank you so much for joining us today, Beth. Thank you. My pleasure. For more from today's episode visit the planning tips page on Bustld dot com.

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